I see you out there

This picture will make sense to the post… or at least I’ll tie it in… I promise.

You’re exhausted.

You’re plugging along, doing your best, but it doesn’t feel like your best is good enough right now? Are you a teacher? Nurse? Fire fighter? Parent? Caretaker? Suddenly found yourself as the only earner in a household that use to have 2 sources of income? Did you used to be that 2nd source of income?

I see you out there.

I’m right there with you.

I think I’ve hit my peak. My Polly Anna personality is lost and when it comes to the current state of affairs, I’m not sure it’s coming back.

Not as far as “this” is concerned.

“This” is where I find myself. I saw that we’re 6 months into COVID here in the states. That’s a long time. I’ve been at a crossroads since the dreaded COVID related layoff happened which was very close to that 6 month mark. I don’t know which direction to turn. I’ve applied for countless jobs – some relevant to my career path, some would forge a new path, some lead to great interviews, all are relevant to my experience and knowledge, but none have lead to an offer. My husband and I have toyed with the idea of taking advantage of this situation and do something completely different because how often are you presented with the chance to let go of everything comfortable you had before and completely pivot (ooof… that word makes me cringe… anyone else)?

But even that is hard to navigate.

A few weeks ago, someone said to me “I mean, you’re smart, right, so what do you want to do?” First of all, being smart has nothing to do with anything sometimes. The comment (although well intended and not meant to sting) stung at first – yes, of course, I’m smart . But what stung more is that I don’t have any freaking clue what it is I want to do. Not in the traditional sense. I awkwardly stumbled around an answer and landed on “well, in college a test I took said I’d be a great radiologist”.

But that ship sailed… back in 1999 when I started on my music degree journey.

So what does one do with 16 years of venue experience… event management and production experience… team development and management experience… software experience… budget experience… procurement experience… policy development experience… recruitment experience… booking and sales experience… training experience… what does one do with that when recruiters seem to look past experience when they see job titles nestled within an industry that is bleeding out right now?

I’m having trouble moving on because I have one foot in that world as the other foot is trying desperately to move somewhere… anywhere. As a board member in a venue industry association, I’m expected to stay on top of what’s going on… staying up with issues… just being in the know. Sure, these are the expectations of the membership I represent, but these are also my expectations of myself. However, no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to keep up. I feel so far behind everyone else that my issues with impostor syndrome are creeping in.

It’s a constant reminder that all of my fellow board members still have their jobs.

I don’t.

It beats me up every time I call into a meeting, sometimes that’s just once a week, sometimes it’s multiple times. This week it’s 3 times. Perhaps that is why I find myself here letting it out. There hasn’t been enough time between meetings to come back up for air before going back in.

I’m hurting over this.

I also know that no matter how thick the trees, I will find my way out. Sometimes I just need a place to dump my brain. If you made it this far, thank you for reading.