Salt & Straw in the off-season

Hi.

Hello.

Oh hey there!

It’s been a while, eh?

I’ve been telling myself I need to come here and write some words. It helps me get things out of my head and filed away. But it hasn’t happened until today. The last day of May 2022. I know exactly what has been blocking it.

Motivation.

Or rather, a lack of motivation. *deep breath* This winter and spring has felt unusually dark and rainy compared to the other 8 I’ve experienced since moving to the PNW. They are all dark and rainy, don’t get me wrong, but this one just won’t quit. Sure, there have been sunny days here and there, but it seems the stretches of grey have been long. I long for sun… warmth… change.

I keep a little notebook in my purse where I write down blog post ideas when they come to me. We found ourselves at Salt & Straw one cold, drizzly night a couple of months ago. There was no line, unusual for that joint, and the staff was ready to hand out sample after sample of ice cream flavors, so we went in and ordered a couple of scoops. Inspired by all of it, the cold evening, the dark street, the quiet store front, I wrote “I’m more of a Salt & Straw in the offseason kind of gal” in my little, worn out note book. That’s how those get jotted down, just a line, maybe two, but never any real context.

Depending on what day I pull from that book, the line could go in a hundred different directions. I think today, or at least this week, it’s pointing straight at the fact that perhaps I’m in the offseason of my life.

Stay with me here. I promise that isn’t as dramatic as it sounds.

I’m feeling a bit in limbo. Working every day for a great company in a good job, yet not feeling challenged, envious of those who are still doing that thing I loved and fell away from during the pandemic. It’s calm. I don’t leave work stressed. I don’t get sick to my stomach before big presentations that mean a lot to me. But that’s just it. I don’t have big presentations that stress me out. I went from being someone chosen to represent my employer in front of “important” things time and time again to never getting asked to do more than my job.

It’s strange. Is this what work is like for most of you?

Am I crazy to want to go back to the other?

Maybe but I’m grasping for it any chance I get. To be fair, I’ve been trying to find that foothold. Trying to find that place where my old self can thrive and do what she does best. But I’m struggling to see where that might be down the path I’m on.

And there’s fear in the potential ending of this offseason. Fear of change. Fear of leaving something… a place that ushered so much change and growth in me behind… just a fear of what’s out there next. But that fear can keep us from experiencing what is truly for us, I suppose, so best try and listen to it just a little but shut it up before it gets too loud and prevents you from doing something amazing.

Today change started with some time spent on the deck… writing this post in fact. This morning I told myself I wanted to head outside and get some sun because it seems to only show up on weekdays right now. At the time, that meant a walk to the trail… maybe down the trail to see what there was to see. But when the time came, I could barely accomplish much more than taking off the lounge socks I’d been wearing all day. I stood barefoot in my dark bedroom, staring out the window at the sun but couldn’t bring myself to do much more. I eventually gave up on trying to force more and just headed out to the deck with my laptop. It’s still sun, even if I’m not on the move and it’s not just going back to my desk in a dark room and answering emails.

Yes, I think the offseason of my life is a good way to explain this slump I’m feeling. The excitement of the regular season is wrapped up, there is anticipation for next season, but right now I’m trying to figure out what to do with my downtime. I suppose sitting barefoot on the deck isn’t a bad way to pass these hours.