Aftermath

The first thing I did when I climbed out of bed this morning, a bit later than normal for a Friday, was peek out the window to check the screen.

The odd thing is, there is no screen on that window. As far as I can tell, there never has been. It isn’t a window that opens.

It was so clear in my dream, however, the screen on that window and it’s sister window on the other side of the bed had buckled out towards the front of the house. Holding on by who knows what. If I recall, in the dream, it was the result of a windstorm. It just crossed my mind, however, it was likely the aftermath of a tornado that caused that.

See, no tornadoes here… no screens on those windows to buckle… just the strange phenomenon that happens when you wake up but your brain hasn’t quite switched over from dreaming. Tornadoes, however, are a recurring dream of mine. Have I talked about this on here? Sometimes I’m watching them from afar, sometimes I’m prepping to take cover from them, sometimes they are passing over whatever structure I’m taking cover in. The levels of stress they cause are starkly different – as you’d expect in a storm like that. Watching from afar is like watching lions eat raw meat at the zoo – you know it’s destructive but you’re safe, on the other side of the habitat barrier. Taking cover while the lions eat the raw meat just a few feet from you, is very different. Much like being in the storm.

However, the aftermath dream is a new one. At least, what I’m thinking was the aftermath. Hard to say with dreams, I never fully remember them. In the past, I’ve pinpointed what the various types of tornado dreams might mean. So what about this one? I have a theory which is linked to what was going to be the topic of this post until I woke up looking for screens that never existed.

I received a call from a familiar town, but not a familiar number, earlier this week. There’s comfort in familiarity so I answered. It was for an opportunity to have my resume included in a small handful of candidates to be put forward for a position at a venue in a town I know nothing about. Agreeing to have my resume included is never a complete commitment and the excitement of not being fully out of the game came over me and I agreed.

It was an excitement for something I thought I might have put to bed just the day before. While taking a break between meetings on Tuesday, I pulled most of my suit jackets and pants out of my closet. I saved them after being laid off from my previous job just in case I got a similar job in the future. Even if dress codes are more relaxed these days, the industry I was in still approvingly nods at a good suit – man or woman, doesn’t matter. I was done with that on Tuesday. Pulling them out, half-heartedly folding them and placing them into a bag to donate. Part of my heart breaking over the loss of the person who used to wear them, the other part of my heart screaming at the situation that led to the loss of that person. That person being me, of course.

Like getting rid of mementos from a bad relationship, these needed to go. I’ve been slowly purging similar items from my life – books with conference notes, certificates of achievement for things that matter to no one but the person who earned them (at least up until March of 2020 when those things turned from points of pride into annoying triggers). The clothes were the obvious next step.

So the bag was filled and set aside waiting for the next run to Goodwill.

And then the call came. Someone still thinks I have it in me to go after the dream job I was working so hard for just a couple of years ago. Someone… or in this case… some company believes in me.

But do I?

Do I want this future? I don’t know anymore. Am I holding onto the status this previous life had for me – longing for that but not finding it within this new career? Or am I holding on to the job itself – longing for that but not finding it from where I sit? I’ll likely need to figure that out one day, maybe sooner than later depending on how this list of candidates goes.

I do know that right now, I’m looking back on the aftermath of an extremely destructive tornado of sorts and am trying to make sense of it. Is what I used to do, and what people still think I can do, those screens? Still there, still holding on, but torn to hell?

Perhaps.