within and out of reach

the coast disappeared when the sea drowned the sun – B. Gibbard (photo taken by Rocky)

It’s been over two weeks since we watched the sun dip behind the horizon… staying to the end of the show watching the rays of light wrapping up their final performance for the day. I find a lot of peace out there… at the point where the often moody Pacific meets the fragile edge of this continent. It’s one of the many reasons this last year was so hard. As I applied for jobs that might have required a move east, I clicked “send” on the resume with so much hesitation each time.

I needed the job.

I needed the opportunity.

I needed the validation that I did know what I was doing 16 years out of college even if my days were spent wandering the house in sweat pants and unwashed hair.

But I didn’t need the loss of the cleansing brought by the water’s edge.

It was a genuine fear I had each time I sent off that resume.

I didn’t want to move.

I think that was one of the reasons behind the sobbing that came after the job offer on Christmas eve. I can’t explain the kind of relief that came from that, it’s just one of those ‘if you know, you know’ kind of things. It wasn’t about the return of a paycheck or regular schedule, just the continuation of a life I’d fallen in love with. I’m trying to work on letting go of a LOT of negativity surrounding the two years of my professional life prior to March 27, 2020. Focusing on what’s around me rather than what I assumed I lost when I drove out of the convention center parking garage that last time is a big part of letting go.

What a beautiful world we’d live in if we focused on the joy we have rather than the ugly we used to know.

Completely unrelated, I dreamt about my mom the other night. I don’t dream about her often, not that I can remember anyways, but it does happen in a cycle. Maybe every few months… I don’t journal my dreams so I can’t be sure… but enough to where there is a pattern of some kind.

The dreams are almost always a similar scenario. I’m trying to make her house ready for her to live in, not sure why it isn’t ready in the first place, but I’m always stressed trying to put it together, I never see her in the dream, but she’s out there, ready to come to her house. The dreams usually end with an empty, abandoned house. It’s her house, her furniture, her things, but they are dusty, having sat there for ages uncared for. She isn’t there at that point. I’m just left with an incredible feeling of sorrow that I let the place get to that point.

Those are some of the worst dreams I have these days.

The other day was different, though. We were waiting on something, not sure what, but while waiting we took a walk down a street. In the dream we were in Texas as I was saying it was so strange to see so many fall colored leaves on the ground in the spring… in Texas. But it wasn’t spring and it wasn’t Texas. The air was crisp like autumn, the trees were tall, the leaves were maple leaves larger than my head. We picked some off the ground to pose with, took a selfie and as I was looking at the picture on my phone, she faded away.

In the picture, that is, not in reality… or dream reality… whatever that is.

I woke up frustrated that I wouldn’t have the picture of my mom to remember that moment by, just the leaves.

And when I realized it was just a dream, I was left more frustrated that she wasn’t here at all. She hasn’t been since 2009. Why does that not get easier?

I also had the first tornado dream that I can remember having in ages. I was in a car, a tornado was coming, and I closed my eyes and held my breath as it passed over the car… and I could feel it almost pull my heart from my chest, and then it passed. Not sure what was stranger… the new dream my mom showed up in or the return of the tornado dreams.

Maybe I should start journaling these things.

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